Thank you for this Ema! We will need the personal stories now more than ever. And thank you for mentioning my book . . . I have mixed feelings about my books but I will say I was trying my absolute hardest to reconcile what I was seeing in white evangelicals with the teachings of Jesus and it eventually helped me walk fully away. I’m grateful for the community of folks I have found who are able to connect to the parts of them that always thought something was off!
Your book was a doorway—I hope it can continue to be that for other people at least. Also I loved your recent essay about paganism. It feels like so many of us are making their way home.
WOW, I have been trying to write this same post about my own life. Every word of this could be about me, except that I took a lot longer than 27 years to figure out something was rotten and work up the courage to get out.
I'm feeling the same unexpected joy at the freedom and lightness of being "on my own." It's remarkable how much I DIDN'T die or fail or fall into the abyss. I'm thriving more than I ever have before.
Thanks for sharing! I look forward to following along as we both learn to walk a new path 💜
Honestly, this post and the ones I've been reading from DL inspired me to start writing here on Substack. Hopefully I will get to the point where I have the words for a post like this. 💜
We gave and gave. But we’re not getting much back.
^ Gave me chills. Brought me right back to the moment I left my former mega Christian church. You feel like you can’t, or that you’re wrong. I remember everything that was taken or that I gave- why don’t I seem to recall what it gave me in return (besides anxiety, shame, and guilt)?
I too asked Jesus into my heart, more than a half a dozen times publicly also. Waiting for change, transformation, something. But what I got was more guilt and shame to wrestle with.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece friend. So needed, especially right now 🤍
I was raised in the Salvation Army. I think most people know of the "Sally Ann" as a charitable movement that does good in the world, providing shelter for the homeless and alcohol recovery for alcoholics. But perhaps people aren't aware these services are provided with the intent to convert people into "believers," so they can be "saved" from being eternally damned. It is an Evangelical church with "officers" instead of "pastors." I attended the church until I was about 17 – when I began dating a Jewish boy and became attuned to the anti-semitic tropes shared by our lovely officers. But before that, like you, I felt something was wrong with me. At the end of services, worshippers were invited to go kneel at the front to confess their sins. I'd watch people go up crying, feeling Jesus moving through them. I didn't get it. Like you, I thought something was wrong with me, because I never felt Jesus "in my heart". I dreaded when we would go out singing, to minister in the community and someone would be asked to provide a testimonial. I had no testimonial to give! I've only gone back to the church for funerals and weddings, and I converted to Judaism before marriage. I loved how questioning, discussion, debating was inherent in Judaism – we were never to question the teachings of the church!
Thank you for sharing, Tracey! I had no idea about this. The Salvation Army was where my parents bought clothes in college...that was pretty all I knew. I'm glad you've found a path that is supportive and live giving!
Thank you so much for writing this, I relate so much and am hoping I can find my voice to tell my story soon. At 18 I got a tattoo that says “redeemed” with a cross on my wrist, in 2020 at 24 I left my abusive ex and church and wrote a blog titled “don’t tell me I didn’t try… done with domestic abuse” and the way the church poorly handled everything with my situation and country made me leave for good. When I later moved in with an aunt/uncle to get on my feet in 2022 the sexual assault from my uncle who’s authored 2 devotional books and teaches Sunday school at his church, I was done and moving from deconstruction to deconversion. I’m still trying to find the words to tell my story while not letting my rage take center stage. The few remaining family members I have in my life are very conservative and I am struggling to have sanity and hope but reading things like this helps. Courage breeds courage.
Thank you for reading, Katie! I'm so sorry all of that happened to you. Courage does breed courage--thank you for saying that. I hope you can find people to support you and whenever you find your voice, I hope to read your story.
Thank you for this! I relate to all of it! (I just published a similar article today!) From being a kid asking over and over for Jesus to come into your heart bc you didn’t feel anything…to growing up in Pentecostal spaces…to this quote: “But personally I’ve fallen into a creative, intuitive, challenging yet enlivening process and the healthiest chapter of my life so far.“ YES! Leaving allowed me to actually learn myself, who I am, and embody my actual human existence in a way I never could inside a church, marinating in theology and rules but never actually LIVING. I’m glad you shared your story!
The description of how you felt after leaving was so relatable to me. Did you ever hear the illustration that a burning stick pulled from the fire will go out? Like that’s the reason we need church, because if we don’t stay connected our fire will go out and well….you’ll be lost. Turns out a stick can keep burning on its own! I am breathing so much easier, feel so much lighter. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you, I’m looking forward to reading more about your journey and wish you well also. I’ve been processing a lot through poetry I’ve been sharing here on Substack bit by bit. Not sure where I’m landing yet. Definitely far from anything that is peddling certainty.
Oooo I’ve never heard that one! Yes indeed, turns out your stick can burn fine on its own. Thank you for reading! Wishing you well on your solo stick burning journey! Glad you’re feeling lighter. 🌀
"Here is the thing I can’t unsee: the people in the churches I attended did these things with the backing of their leaders and by cherrypicking elements of their religion to justify their actions." There is a great article on Mint Press by Whitney Webb that speaks to this as it relates to how evangelicals came to support Zionism for fundi reasons, even though Zionism itself was originated by secular Jews who felt left out of the Enlightenment.
Thank you for this Ema! We will need the personal stories now more than ever. And thank you for mentioning my book . . . I have mixed feelings about my books but I will say I was trying my absolute hardest to reconcile what I was seeing in white evangelicals with the teachings of Jesus and it eventually helped me walk fully away. I’m grateful for the community of folks I have found who are able to connect to the parts of them that always thought something was off!
Your book was a doorway—I hope it can continue to be that for other people at least. Also I loved your recent essay about paganism. It feels like so many of us are making their way home.
I agree Ema is was a doorway and was for me as well.
same!
WOW, I have been trying to write this same post about my own life. Every word of this could be about me, except that I took a lot longer than 27 years to figure out something was rotten and work up the courage to get out.
I'm feeling the same unexpected joy at the freedom and lightness of being "on my own." It's remarkable how much I DIDN'T die or fail or fall into the abyss. I'm thriving more than I ever have before.
Thanks for sharing! I look forward to following along as we both learn to walk a new path 💜
Thank you, Tiffany! I hope you will still write your own post. I think the more of us that can share our stories the better.
Honestly, this post and the ones I've been reading from DL inspired me to start writing here on Substack. Hopefully I will get to the point where I have the words for a post like this. 💜
We gave and gave. But we’re not getting much back.
^ Gave me chills. Brought me right back to the moment I left my former mega Christian church. You feel like you can’t, or that you’re wrong. I remember everything that was taken or that I gave- why don’t I seem to recall what it gave me in return (besides anxiety, shame, and guilt)?
I too asked Jesus into my heart, more than a half a dozen times publicly also. Waiting for change, transformation, something. But what I got was more guilt and shame to wrestle with.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece friend. So needed, especially right now 🤍
Thank you, Kelsey! It is both wonderful to be understood and hard to know someone else resonates with this experience. But look at us! We got out! 🤍
I was raised in the Salvation Army. I think most people know of the "Sally Ann" as a charitable movement that does good in the world, providing shelter for the homeless and alcohol recovery for alcoholics. But perhaps people aren't aware these services are provided with the intent to convert people into "believers," so they can be "saved" from being eternally damned. It is an Evangelical church with "officers" instead of "pastors." I attended the church until I was about 17 – when I began dating a Jewish boy and became attuned to the anti-semitic tropes shared by our lovely officers. But before that, like you, I felt something was wrong with me. At the end of services, worshippers were invited to go kneel at the front to confess their sins. I'd watch people go up crying, feeling Jesus moving through them. I didn't get it. Like you, I thought something was wrong with me, because I never felt Jesus "in my heart". I dreaded when we would go out singing, to minister in the community and someone would be asked to provide a testimonial. I had no testimonial to give! I've only gone back to the church for funerals and weddings, and I converted to Judaism before marriage. I loved how questioning, discussion, debating was inherent in Judaism – we were never to question the teachings of the church!
Thank you for sharing, Tracey! I had no idea about this. The Salvation Army was where my parents bought clothes in college...that was pretty all I knew. I'm glad you've found a path that is supportive and live giving!
Thank you so much for writing this, I relate so much and am hoping I can find my voice to tell my story soon. At 18 I got a tattoo that says “redeemed” with a cross on my wrist, in 2020 at 24 I left my abusive ex and church and wrote a blog titled “don’t tell me I didn’t try… done with domestic abuse” and the way the church poorly handled everything with my situation and country made me leave for good. When I later moved in with an aunt/uncle to get on my feet in 2022 the sexual assault from my uncle who’s authored 2 devotional books and teaches Sunday school at his church, I was done and moving from deconstruction to deconversion. I’m still trying to find the words to tell my story while not letting my rage take center stage. The few remaining family members I have in my life are very conservative and I am struggling to have sanity and hope but reading things like this helps. Courage breeds courage.
Thank you for reading, Katie! I'm so sorry all of that happened to you. Courage does breed courage--thank you for saying that. I hope you can find people to support you and whenever you find your voice, I hope to read your story.
Thank you for this! I relate to all of it! (I just published a similar article today!) From being a kid asking over and over for Jesus to come into your heart bc you didn’t feel anything…to growing up in Pentecostal spaces…to this quote: “But personally I’ve fallen into a creative, intuitive, challenging yet enlivening process and the healthiest chapter of my life so far.“ YES! Leaving allowed me to actually learn myself, who I am, and embody my actual human existence in a way I never could inside a church, marinating in theology and rules but never actually LIVING. I’m glad you shared your story!
Thank you for reading, Hannah! Excited to read your article. The more stories of leaving the church the better.
The description of how you felt after leaving was so relatable to me. Did you ever hear the illustration that a burning stick pulled from the fire will go out? Like that’s the reason we need church, because if we don’t stay connected our fire will go out and well….you’ll be lost. Turns out a stick can keep burning on its own! I am breathing so much easier, feel so much lighter. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you, I’m looking forward to reading more about your journey and wish you well also. I’ve been processing a lot through poetry I’ve been sharing here on Substack bit by bit. Not sure where I’m landing yet. Definitely far from anything that is peddling certainty.
Oooo I’ve never heard that one! Yes indeed, turns out your stick can burn fine on its own. Thank you for reading! Wishing you well on your solo stick burning journey! Glad you’re feeling lighter. 🌀
"Here is the thing I can’t unsee: the people in the churches I attended did these things with the backing of their leaders and by cherrypicking elements of their religion to justify their actions." There is a great article on Mint Press by Whitney Webb that speaks to this as it relates to how evangelicals came to support Zionism for fundi reasons, even though Zionism itself was originated by secular Jews who felt left out of the Enlightenment.
Thank you! I will look into this. And I really appreciate you restacking. 🌀
You’re so welcome! It’s a fascinating history. I am an ex fundy too :) Blessings and peace, shalom/salaam <3